Author Archive for decoydoctorpus

30
Aug
08

Next stop Preachyville

One of the few meager joys I manage to squeeze, blood like, from the arid stone that is my life, is watching the Games Industry adjust to radical market shifts (exiting I know). It reminds me of that old show, Harry and the Hendersons. You know… the one where the average American family (stupid husband, homely wife and sarcastic kids) ends up living with bigfoot. I knew when I was watching the show, that Harry just wants to make the Hendersons happy, but I also knew that no matter what he tries to do, be it vacuuming the carpet or making us a nice cake, he’s going to find an incredibly destructive way to fuck it all up.
The games industry is Harry.

“Hey Harry! When is Duke Nukem Forever coming out? Also, the new Diablo game is way too bright. Sort that shit out!”

One such market shift came just after a small Derby based developer discovered (or rediscovered) that adding a pair of triangles to a cuboid made not only one of the crudest representations of a pair of tits to grace our culture since we stopped painting on cave walls in Woolly Mammoth blood, but also a huge fuck-off pile of money. Gold watches all round!

Although I was too young to appreciate it at the time, having just mastered the art of turning on the telly without jamming my slimy fingers into the plug sockets, the industry’s response to Tomb Raider and it’s polygonally busty heroine, Lara Croft was nothing short of downright hilarious… providing you happened to be male.
Seeing Croft’s bizarrely angled head adorning the front page of then popular fashion-cum-smut-rag ‘The Face’ was amusing enough, especially considering that the technical restraints of the time meant that even a full blown pre-rendered image of the buxom grave robber looked more like the Master Control Program from Tron than the sultry acrobat the art team had in mind. But it was the industry’s reaction to the big pile of money Tomb Raider brought in (which was somewhere between a fat marketer screaming “KACHING” in a crowded church and Golum leaping into the volcano after the ring in Lord of the Rings) that really tickled, and continues to tickle, my funny bone.

“I heard if you complete the game without saving you get to see her naked”
Now I’m certainly not blaming Tomb Raider for the likes of Ninja Gaiden, Heavenly Sword or even the more direct demeaning rip offs of the time (Deathtrap dungeon anybody?). In fact I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a programmer present at the unveiling of the world’s first game Tennis for Two who didn’t immediately think “You know what would be awesome? If this had tits in it” but it was Tomb Raider that tried to sell us the idea that no matter how much of a improbable sex object your character is, you can get away with it as long as she (ugh) “Kicks enough but”.

“Good show old chap! Quite the Marvel! But if I might make one small suggestion? A pair of mammaries. Yes, perhaps two pairs… right there… in front of the net”

This is where the Industry goes all Harry on us. After the rip roaring success of Tomb Raider, Harry tried desperately to give us a similar experience without really understanding what was drawing us (or at least some of us) to the game in the first place. That’s Harry’s biggest flaw. He always wants to give us what he thinks we want. He just wanted to give us a nice cake, but instead he took a great big steaming sasquatch shit on the carpet.


A swarm of marketers chase Gabe Newell in an attempt to make him put more breasts in Portal 2.

Now we’ve entered another age of gaming. An age where your girlfriend has a level 70 druid in World of Warcraft and your mom spends her time playing animal Crossing on her DS. There’s been another market shift and it’s safe to say new gamers, like your mom for example, don’t really want to play Deathtrap Dungeon.


“So is the type of game you like to play Grey?”
“No Mom I-”
“It’s no wonder you don’t have a girlfriend. Tsk tsk”

The industry’s reaction so far has been typically Harry like. They’re too terrified of releasing their King Kong grip on the male gamer market to make major games towards both sexes, despite the fact developers like Valve have shown that games that don’t show women as base sexual objects can be just as successful as those that do, and they’re equally scared that this new market, as lucrative a market as it is, is eventually going to dry up, so the money they sink into female friendly game development is just enough to churn out steaming piles of condescending shit.

What Harry has failed to realize is that it’s his desperation to please the lowest common denominator for fear of not being able to find a new market that’s driving away female gamers in the first place.
Thankfully the girls haven’t taken this lying down (hoho). So while the male gamer population seems content to let their wallets and bitchy forum posts speak for them female gamers seem more intent on speaking directly for themselves, usually in very loud voices to shell shocked developers who really don’t know what misogyny actually means but they sure as hell don’t want their company associated with it.

“I… I… Oh god Dave. I met a real one… what? What? No they’re nothing like Aeris. Nothing at all.”

It isn’t limited to the gender revolution either. Want another example of Harry fucking things up? Look at his reaction to casual games. What does he do when he realises there’s a market for accessable, easy to understand but fun games? Does he start working on new ways to make games more accessible while still providing the same amount of depth? No. He just shovels a big pile of shit right on top of us.

So what’s the moral of this drawn out story? Simple. Things are going to change, eventually for the better, but before that can happen we have to face up to our own role in this farce. If the games industry is Harry then we’re the Hendersons. And it’s about time we showed that hairy bastard who’s boss.

22
Aug
08

Doctorpus M.D: “All the world’s stage 1, and all the men and women merely goombas”

Like many other Xbox live users with few spare gamer points in their pockets I spent most of the weekend pouring over the latest bit of eye candy-cum game-art Braid and came away from the experience with a largely positive impression. It’s a beautiful piece of work and it’s sold amazingly well for a game so at odds with mainstream game marketing (although not well enough to spare us the occasional livejournal-esque whine from unfortunately named game creator Jonathan Blow)
Before the game decided it was time to start melting my brain with a furious barrage of time fuckery I initially mistook the game for a Mario clone filtered through a Monet painting, a concept that filled me with pretentious art-wanker glee. I was actually just a little bit disappointed when the whole ‘Sands of Time’ style stuff kicked in, but not much. It was these first few minutes of arse-on-head baddie stomping that got me thinking about how we treat the games that are so important to our history and what we’re leaving behind for the generations that may not innately understand our love for plumbers and oddly colored hedgehogs.


Braid. Gorgeous. Go play it.

As any technology evolves it becomes increasingly user friendly, even if the complexity of that technology is growing exponentially. Game design tools are no exception. When the PC turned from the very definition of avarice into something remotely affordable the public’s demand for the tools to create our own game content began popping up on crude message boards the world over. Developers began supplying aspiring game creators with a game’s source code, then a simple level editor and then when the amateur game creator’s demanded even more, developers starting releasing the very tools used to create their games to the public. Some developers even saw a market for products with game production specifically in mind and they’ve been a staple of PC software ever since. With these tools and with no training or instruction save what they could scrounge off the internet amateur games designers have created not only extra content but they’ve made game modifications that grew to ecclipse the original game completely. It’s not hard to imagine then that sometime in the future we’re going to see a Video game creation suite so robust and user friendly it completely revolutionizes the industry. The Macromedia FLASH of game design.

While every game fan out of their early teens is crying out for something new and creative FLASH based games are taking the internet by storm. These games although lacking the budget and manpower of full fledged releases are way ahead in terms of originality, creativity and downright good design.
That’s right. A format designed originally for developing porn ads and informing people they can win an IPod if they punch a monkey in the face three times is home to more original, clever and downright great games than any of the three gaming consoles combined. Why? Because FLASH takes away the biggest barrier to entry in the game development market. The need for programming knowledge.


A first person shooter from the future.

Although hardly straightforward game development in FLASH is a breeze compared to the complexities of a language such as C++. By taking away the programming barrier you remove a problem that dogs the development process. Current game development plays out more like a game of Chinese whispers with the design staff passing on information to the programmers who then have to pass it on to the game engine. How much of the message is lost when it’s passed along from designer to programmer and so forth? How much of an idea do we lose when an idea is ‘translated’ by someone who might not understand it? Wouldn’t it be better if the designer could pass on the message to the computer directly?

That’s what a user friendly game development format would offer. The chance for artists to deliver a game without it being filtered through the minds of other people.

This shift in the development process would spill over into the amateur community as well. Anyone with a computer and an idea could pick up a copy of this game creation suite and compete on level footing with a well funded development team. The quality of the game will be decided not by who has the most expensive technology or who head hunts the best programmers but by whose design is better. It’d be a battle of ideas instead of money.


In this picture you can see how the EA designer on the left has beaten the amateur designer on the right.

I believe we’d end up with a Games community as opposed to a Games industry. With set up costs being so low perhaps the community could take a few steps away from the profit orientated movie like market it currently inhabits and perhaps takes a cue (heh) from the theatre. I’d like to see a games market where the classic games that shaped gaming history are treat and cared for as publicly owned pieces of art rather than corporate assets to be strip mined and slung on a lunch box every few years. This is all sounding a bit ‘Red Dawn’ I know and I’m sure the marketers and lawyers most developers keep in their respective dungeons would start flagelating themselves in public before letting this happen but I would like for any game creator to be free and able to make his own version of Super Mario or his own Pacman. He should be able to take Tomb Raider and reinvent it, remake it, make it relevant or make it irrelevant, he should be able to take an idea and add a little bit of himself to it. Just like a theatre director would with Shakespeare. Games could be art if we just started treating them as such.


“To Pac or not to Pac. That is the question.
Waka Waka Waka”

Developers would be free to re imagine a license as they saw fit so while some people may love the classic version of Silent Hill 2 others may enjoy the absurdist take where James is chased around ‘Disney Hill’ by a terrifying mascot called ‘Goofy Head’. Didn’t like Grand Theft Auto? How about a version that’s set in Feudal Japan? The idea that any one developer knows the only ‘right’ way to do a game is absurd and I think we’d all be better off by trying versions that offer different points of view.

Rockstar’s 2023 take on ‘The Legend of Zelda’ did not sit well with fans of the classic.

Not only would this offer a greater degree of choice, female gamers for example might appreciate Gears of War more if it had an all female cast, but it could also allow developers to create games that raise issues but still remain fun or they could question the very nature of games themselves. How about a game where you spend your time carefully putting gold coins in question marked boxes only to watch helplessly as a maraudering plumber jumps on them?
If want video games to be accepted as a valid art form then we need games that makes us think, make us consider, and above all, challenge us and I don’t think the current market is capable of giving us those games.

If you’re interesting in Braid read a sterling review of it here

11
Aug
08

Procedurally generated offense

Procedural generation (Hereby PG), now one of the industry’s buzzwords of choice since it became apparent that Will Wright’s Spore will be using it to generate a universe stuffed to the brim with sentient dicks, is a process by which level designers admit they have no clue what they’re doing and just let a computer take over. Worms is probably the most easy to understand example of PG, instead of designing each level individually what the developers implemented was a system by which a string of numbers would determine the terrain of a particular level, essentially making the possible level variations close to infinite.
Now back when games came on foppy disks, cassettes, stone tablets and what have you, PG was pretty much mandatory. Early games developers had to work within memory constraints so brutal that adding predefined levels proved impossible. Instead the programmers used algorythms to generate the levels on the user end meaning that while yes, ‘The Sentinel’ did technically have ten god damn thousand levels, after the first one most of them were created by randomly mashing the number keys.

The sentinel. An early example of button mashing always works. Even when it comes to game design.

As media storage space increased developers found they could add levels as actual game assets rather than just strings of code giving them unprecidented freedom when it came to detail and design. Of course this backfired wonderfully because we, that is the gaming public, started demanding a lot more from our games. Gone were the days of random surrealist mazes in space and in their place came more detailed and logical environments. Unlike a pacman maze you can’t just pull a decent video game level out of your ass, you have to have some degree of aptitude for it meaning all of a sudden developers had to start hiring level designers.

Now of course a level designed with a specific purpose in mind is always going to be a better than a level made by having your computer eat a bunch of digits then vomit them back out, but there’s still the odd developer who uses PG when it comes to game design. Diablo is one of the better examples of random level generation done well. Sure the dungeons all look a bit alike but the layout changes were just enough to keep the grinding for loot from getting stale. At least for a while. On the other hand Hellgate London took random dungeon generation and complete fucked it up. Ensuring that in most quests the Super important Macguffin that’s supposedly guarded by the most vicious of hell’s denizens spawns right next to the dungeon entrance which makes the game’s antagonists look retarded.

But as technology moves on, female character’s breasts get bigger, and we continue on the inevitable march towards a game with a four barreled rocket launching shot gun, procedurally generated content seems to be on the up and up again.

Spore uses PG in a particularly innovative way.

If there’s one part of a game design team that could easily be replaced with a computer it’d be the writers. Ever noticed how video games seem to follow a standard plot with very little deviation save the colour of the main character’s trenchcoat and how many guns he can fire at once? So have EA and right now they’re busy eyeing up the design department considering how many bearded English majors they can fire and replace with a robots. Next step, the development team.

Actually this isn’t as bad as it seems. Imagine if we had a game that could tailor itself to your tastes? You could literally define what kind of game you want to play and it could generate it on the fly. You get to choose the protagonist, the setting, the message, what kind of game it is, how hard it is, when and where it’s set, and then your games console would generate a game that I guarantee would be better than half the shit on the market today.
Now that I’ve got you all excited, there is however one little caveat. How exactly would the ESRB (or whatever they’ve replaced it with by then, probably the inquistition) give a rating to a game like that? How can you recommend an age group for a game that changes itself according to the player’s demands? I’m sure there’d be age restrictions but how long would it take for someone to crack the protection and start generating games about throwing puppies off cliffs or eating children? I mean sure I might want to play a game with a well rounded, intelligent protagonist and female characters that don’t dress like they’re auditioning for a position at an escort agency but is that what little twelve year old Jimmy wants? Probably not, and therein lies the problem.
The biggest problem with a computer designing our entertainment, and this sounds stupid I know, is that they’re not human. But even marketers were human at one point and they’re at least constrained by the need to look at least remotely decent and respectable so the public doesn’t burn them out of their nests and lynch them, but a computer isn’t restrained by social opinion.

A swarm of marketers attack an IGN reviewer.

The computer will give us whatever we want without considering if it’s what we need or if it’s even remotely good for us. Case in point: Little Jimmy’s parents buy him a copy of the game and he sticks it in his xbox 720 and fires it up. The computer asks him a quick survey, checks out his internet searches and maybe does fancy shit with electrodes and eventually comes out with little Jimmy’s idea of a perfect game which is probably going to end up being something like this.

An awesome idea to be sure but not exactly what Jimmy’s parents had in mind when they bought that computer to help him with his homework.

The opposite end of the spectrum is just as bad. It’s well documented in films like Terminator and Wargames that the more intelligent a computer gets the more likely it is to stop running minesweeper and finding porn for us and start hating us with every silicon inch of its flawless electronic being. A computer running this game would spend every hour of every day learning about you, your habits, your likes, dislikes, aversions, and crushes. It’ll trawl through the internet till it finds that geocities site you created back when you were 12 and it will store your teenage ramblings for later use. It’ll rummage through your Ebay receipts and web history, it will record your msn conversations, it will take note of which friends you talk to and which ones you lie to so you don’t have to deal with them. Let’s be honest. It’s only a matter of time before this machine absolute loathes you. Which is when you wake up to a game like this.

09
Aug
08

Three gaming jobs that suck in real life

As I talked about earlier this week Escapism is the little white rabbit that leads Alice down the gaming hole and turns her into a human meatslab that lives on cheetos and posts ten thousand word JRPG plot summaries on IGN FAQS. In short Escapism is gaming. So it shouldn’t surprise you then that not only are game characters designed to satisfy our demands for escapism but so are the worlds they inhabit.
Designers quickly realized that not only could the characters that populated their made up worlds be completely detached from reality so could their profession. Take Crazy Taxi for example. They took a job known mostly for uncomfortable working conditions, horrific levels of tedium and racism, and made it into something awesome. So what else have they lied to us about?

3: “Oh God there’s shit everywhere” – Plumbing

Before I started my career in not getting paid to write about games on the internet I actually tried my hand at being a plumber’s apprentice. Lured in by promises of hefty paychecks and nubile big busted housewives who needed their pipes servicing I approached the job with the bright eyed, cheerful attitude people posses right up until they have to spend a day up to their knees in someone else’s shit. Needless to say the job wasn’t for me.

Super Mario would have you believe that plumbing is in fact a mystical adventure complete with princesses, rainbows and drugs that give you magical powers but the unfortunate truth is that yes, you’ll be mooching around (quite often green) pipes but usually with the intention of removing what’s blocking them and let you tell you, it’s not often piles of floating gold coins. There’s money to be made for sure if you don’t mind defrauding vulnerable old ladies but the anything else the game tries to pass off on your is pure bullshit. You’ll probably encounter some turtles but not the kind you expect and the only mushrooms you’ll find are those growing on the inside of your lungs after you accidentally inhale a big chestful of human waste.


Unfortunately. No. Not like this.

You don’t even get to fight giant alligators because rumors of giant fire breathing lizards roaming the sewers of New York are unfortunately entirely false and the only princess your likely to come across is ‘Princess’ an aging hooker whose decapitated head was blocking some Yuppie’s kitchen sink.

What Mario promises you: Hot chicks who want to make cakes for you, gold coins, drugs, adventure.

What you get: Human waste. Salmonella.

2: “CHARGE!” – Soldier

It’s unusual how games are the only form of media that get away with trying to tell us that the second world war, which killed 72 million people (47 million of which were civilians), was in fact, totally awesome. If a movie tried to show WW2 as anything but a series of tragic death scenes with a haunting ethereal soundtrack it’d be bounced out of the theaters by angry critics before you could say “Spielberg” But if video games are to believed the Normandy landings were like a 1940’s Thunder Mountain with allied soldiers lining up to experience it ‘just one more time’ before they had to go back home. If there’s still any veterans alive by the time the next generation grows up they’re going to find themselves answering a whole different set of questions. Gone are the innocent days of “What was it really like Grandpa?” and instead kids will be asking questions like ” Did you ever headshot any n00bs with the springfield Gramps?”


I… wait… what?

Getting shot in real life is a deeply traumatizing event that causes you, in most cases, to shit yourself instantly, but in games it’s barely more than an inconvenience often easily solved by walking over the next medpak you see or by simply waiting a few seconds for your wounds to heal via magic. As for mental side effects like say, horrifying flashbacks of your friends being roasted alive by flame throwers aren’t really an issue either. The only flashback you’ll be having is playing the game again in ‘Hardcore’ mode.

Even if you do bite the bullet, and by bullet I mean about 400 of them, your ‘death’ is barely even a setback as a quick tap of the quickload key brings you back Jesus Christ style to unleash some groundhog day-esque whupass on your Nazi murderers. Forget rigorous training and harsh assault courses, Boot camp lasts at most about five minutes, just long enough for a guy doing a bad impression of Tom Sizemore to teach you how to throw a grenade before you’re dumped into a firefight in the middle of France.

What Call of Duty promises you: Honour, glory, invincibility, the ability to drive any vehicle and fire any weapon without training, the occasional zombie.

What you get: Shot in the face, shot in the throat, shot in the back, shot in the ass, shot in the legs, shot in the eye, shot in the balls, blown up by tanks, blown up by planes, blown up by blimps, post traumatic stress disorder, dysentery.

1: “So I was on the toilet last night and…” – Doctor

Med school is an 8 year nightmare of constant work and study which can reduce even the most hardy student into a sniveling prescription abusing wreck. It doesn’t get any better when you qualify either. Not only must you know the illnesses and intricacies of the human body so intimately that everyone you love seems only a few heart murmurs away from instant death you also have to practice being nice to obese women so they don’t sue you when you accidentally leave a thermometer stuck up their rectum at the end of a 28 hour shift at the clinic. Games often show the best part of Medicine, that is, the part about making people not die an gloss over all the hard work, research and above all, the piles of paperwork, that come with it. This is true of just about every game ever made. When was the last time you saw Gordon Freeman crack open one of those medkits and use the supplied tweezers to pull a manhack out of his forehead? How exactly do green herbs cure zombie bites? Do you eat them or what? In gaming the medical profession has generally been reduced to leaving medical kits scattered around the place so the wounded can just walk over them and heal instantly. No need for expensive and difficult to perform procedures. No need for the slow process of actually extracting bullets and stituring wounds. Hell, most fps characters don’t even bother removing the enormous amounts of lead their bodies are riddled with which presents a whole boat load of problems when it comes to airport security. Old school games take this even further. In pretty much every brawler ever made no one ever uses medical supplies to treat their broken ribs and torn muscles, they just eat some god roast turkey or chug a soda they found in a dumpster.


“Lung Cancer? Please, step into my office”

Games like Trauma Centre tell us that surgery lasts closer to 2 minutes than 8 hours and that you’ll spend most of your medical career defusing bombs and using lasers to fight intelligent mutating bacteria instead of treating the usual assortment of skin sores, genitals legions, and extracting foreign objects from people’s rectums and none of it’s true, not one tiny little bit of it. These games would have us believe being good at ‘operation’ the board game makes us all excellent doctors.
But by far there’s no better example of Medical escapism than Team fortress 2. You never see a medic putting a heavy’s torn off hand on ice so he can sew it back on later or trying to hold a scouts guts in while performing vital surgery and you sure as hell never see him applying topical cream to the Sniper’s haemorrhoids. Instead he shoots his team mates with a healing gun. If that doesn’t sum up video games entirely, I don’t know what does.

What they promise you:
Life saving techniques at your fingertips, magical powers that let you slow down time to perform medical procedures, exciting cases in volving helocopter accidents, a gun that makes people invincible.

What you get: Old women with anal prolapses, bodily discretions, close contact with all kind of wonderful contagious diseases, shit loads of paper work, student loans up your arsehole

08
Aug
08

On Escapism

Chances are you’ve seen that new Machima video that’s floating around the net, the one where the ‘World of Warcraft’ characters take a break from slaying dragons and the general humdrum of Azeroth life to kill some time playing the amusingly mundane ‘World of Workcraft’ This isn’t a particularly new joke, I’m pretty sure Pratchett did it pretty early in the Diskworld series but it was well made and managed to squeeze a few chuckles out of me but more importantly, it got me thinking.
Escapism is a big part of what draws us to video games and for the past two decades considering the average gamer it’s understandable. It’s not hard to imagine that fat, neckbearded guy with the B.O and dragon shirt who seems to follow you around Electronics Boutique wanting to pretend to be a muscled barbarian or demon slaying ladies man. Since the advent of the playstation things seem to have shifted, gaming was no longer a niche hobby, or at least that’s what the marketing told us and all of a sudden the cool guys at school were talking to you about Gran Turismo.

When the PS1 came out. Gamers started actually looking like the people in the adverts. Which is pretty horrifying in it’s own right.

The wii pushed it even further, stretching the term gamer till it covered everyone from Oprah to your grandmother and MMORPG’s are now appealing more to your average Joe than your average gamer. In China, after a hard days work in the office, middle aged professionals are dropping into their local PCBANG (a very popular chain of cyber cafe there’s even one here in Kelowna.) to spend their free time grinding and questing for loot in Fantasy Westward Journey and they’re paying through the god damn nose for it. What’s worse is they’re playing so much they’re putting hardcore gamers to shame.
So as more and more of us pile into MMORPG’s, worlds where success is inevitable providing you invest enough time, we’re seeing more and more pressure to succeed in these virtual worlds. As their importance to our social lives grows as will the amount of work we need to put in to maintain our social standing. While your dad worked every day god sent to buy a car bigger than the guy next door’s you’ll be spending every hour god sends murdering Yetis to get your hand on that sword of Ice because you’re damned if you’re going to be the only person in your guild who doesn’t have one.
We’ve made our haven, the place we go to relax even worse than real life so when the player needs a break from all the pressure, all the stress and all the demands of online gaming, where is he/she going to go? I think we’re going to go full circle. Oh yes. We’re going to play sports.
Imagine two teenagers. They’re outcasts, loners, no guild to speak of and they both feel abandoned by a level up system that doesn’t care. They’d turn to drugs but no one sells them anymore because they’re too busy farming for force gems on the latest Star Wars MMO. They take to the parks, spending hours moping and talking about how ‘TR4GIK M4RTYR’ from the server next door was born with a silver warhammer in his mouth.
“Hell” they’ll say “I don’t even like Universe of Warcraft”

It’s at that moment that they discover a round disk, or perhaps it’s given to them by an old man, who dissapears soon after. They stare at it stupidly, like the monkey holding the bone in 2001 while the Monolith looms in the background. Then one of them draws back his arm and throws it with all his mouse clicking might.

It flies.

They have rediscovered the frisbee.

A gamer attempts to rediscover tennis.

Those terrible TV movies they make to encourage housewives and the unemployed to develop Zoloft addictions would take on an entirely new slant. Instead of films that show us the real life horrors of internet porn addictions (apparently clicking on the image search in google is the first step in a bloody journey that ends with you murdering your family) we’d have films about virile young men who fight back against adversity and online gamer elitism.

Jerry is a special young man, he lacks higher brain functions and can barely string two words together but he was born with huge rippling muscles and a thick cranium. The bullies in his virtual school are merciless, mocking him for his badly equipped level 2 shaman and lack of macro skills. His parents don’t understand him, his dad just wants him to go into the family necomancy class and his mother is too stoned on gold farming to care. But Jerry has found something. Something that completes him. Something that only he can do. Jerry has found football.

“Heartwarming” – The New York Times.

They threaten to send him away, they threaten to have him commited. But Jerry fights the power. He joins an underground “Football league’ and begins learning all he can from a grizzled old black man who makes him wash his car and catch flies out of the air by body slamming them. In the films gripping finale Jerry must face off not only against the New York Manglers the most evil team on the illegal NFL circuit but he must also deal with his entire hometown coming to hurl bottles and heckle him. But as they watch Jerry as he plays valliantly despite the fact he’s had both of his arms broken by cheating, steroid abusing Yankees. They begin to see and respect his sportsman spirit. They begin to see the hero inside.

“I love you son. But I can’t let you do this. Football aint’ no thing for a man to play. My pa was a Necrogamcner and his Pa was a Necromancer.”
“I know you only want the best for me Pa. But I got’s to this. The footballs in my blood. Even if it ain’t in yours.”
“If you do this son. You do it alone”
“If I have to Pa. If I have to.”

With only one second to go on the clock Jerry calls a timeout (his coach was killed by a yankee sniper) and delivers a heartwarming Oscar winning speech.
“I jus’ want people to accept me for what I am. I want ya’ to see you don’t have to be level 70 ta be a man, ya don’t have to do what ya parents did.I ain’t ever goin’ ta be a good Necromancer Pa. I aint got the heart for it. I can’t read too good and I aint’ ever gonna’ spec prop for pally but what I can do is crush a man’s motherfuckin’ spine”

and then he does.

And he wins the game.

Jerry’s parents, the people of his town and even the bullies who used to mock him, go crazy carry a triumphant Jerry off as the credits roll.

Then they’re all crushed under his bodyweight because their bodies have atrophied after years of no exercise and poor diet.

03
Aug
08

Three Mini-games that will improve gaming

Videogames, unlike real life games like Jenga and sexual intercourse, can all be broken down into a series of simple games no matter how complex the end result may be. Every game is made up of dozens if not thousands of these sub games that add up, in some cases, to a great whole.


What game design actually looks like.

As an example I offer up the humble First person shooter. The purpose of the shooter is, of course, to shoot things such as Nazi’s, aliens and Arabs but there are times when, unfortunately, the player will find themselves without anything to shoot. It’s during these times that some of the smaller games that make up said shooter come to the fore. So while waiting for the ’shooter’ part to kick in again players will find themselves enjoying old school classics such as ‘virtual medpack scavenger’ (now abandonware unfortunately), ‘red key finding simulator’ or the ever popular ‘Mother fucking jumping puzzle Adventure’. Now while not all of these sub-games are that good and some do in fact take away from the end experience some sub-games add a much needed respite from the main game mechanics. The best example of sub-game design can be found in Epic’s Gears of War. No… wait… sure Gears of War had it’s faults, a monochromatic colour scheme and terrible characters being the most prominent but even someone as jaded as I has to admit that Epic did a great job of turning the simple act of reloading into a satisfying experience. No longer was ducking behind a wall to reload your Warhammer rip off machine gun a chore, you could still achieve something pertinent to the game even though you doing something that was essentially the opposite of shooting. That, my friends, is good game design.

Now there are plenty of other games out there that could benefit from better sub game design. Allow me to show you a few of my ideas.

1: Manual tit jiggling

If there’s one thing we’ve established in the last twenty years, it’s that gamers, a largely male demographic, really like tits. We like looking at tits, we like talking about tits and if the ESRB weren’t such tight asses we’d probably already be playing games that are entirely about tits. In fact I think we might already have those. But one of the issues with current game design is that while bust size is increasing exponentially, so is cutscene length. Now sitting still and watching an animated cutscene is fine the first time through, it grows stale quickly on the second or third viewing. Since most developers seem to think that unskippable cutscenes are the future, the garden variety player often finds himself wandering off to make a sandwich and returning just in time to see his character get raped to death by orcs so the whole cutscene begins again. It’s a vicious cycle. Developers have tried to counter player boredom in a variety ways, although none of them have thought of making the dialogue more succinct. Instead they’ve opted for quick time events in an attempt to force the players to pay attention for fear of having their character crushed to death by a boulder while they were out taking a dump. So why don’t we just take this concept a little further?

Every time a female character turns, shifts her weight or breathes in, the player using the left and right analogue sticks or waggle on the wii mote, must ensure her breasts bounce and sway with just enough force to be entirely ridiculous. Players are awarded bonus points and weapons for pulling off ‘tit-tricks’ such as the ‘to and fro’, the ‘Mexican wave’ and ‘around the world’ . A player too inept to make her tits bounce correctly will have their character killed by a boulder, any player that doesn’t bounce them at all will have his character killed and his game save erased.

2: Teabagging simulator

Teabagging is more than just crouching over a dead combatant’s face like an armoured German porn star. For some it is a way of life. A ritual that gives meaning to an otherwise vapid and pointless existence. Players must be sharp and quick on their feet for teabagging opportunities are hard to come by. Not only must they defeat their opponent in battle but they must do in such a way that their corpse lands face up and in a secluded area so they won’t be easy pickings for bigger more skilled teabaggers as they approach their prone victim. Once they reach their target however Teabaggers quickly find that the actual act of teabagging isn’t well implemented in games. How is it done? By hammering the crouch button. BORING! How could we liven that up?
With a mini-game!

When you’ve reached the optimal position for nutsack to eyeball contact the game’s ‘teabagging engine’ will load allowing the player much more control over his lower body. Players, using the left and right analogue sticks or by waggling the wii mote, must ensure their avatar remains balanced while lowering their junk in a smooth, rhythmic fashion. No one likes a clumsy teabagger!


New players should be warned however that some unscrupulous people have resorted to using automatic teabagging programs. These programs, called ‘Bagbots’ by seasoned players, give the hacking player a great advantage when it comes to mid battle teabagging. If you suspect someone is using a bagbot please report them to the server admin immediately.

3: Grind solitaire

Massively multi-player Online Role playing games are not named ‘Massively multi-player clicking simulators’ and I for one think the games should reflect this. People play MMORPG’s to give their lives, which are unfufilling and boring, purpose and to achieve something, like slaying a dragon or talking to other people, which is very hard to do in real life. Unfortunately big MMORGP developers like Blizzard seem to have misunderstood their target demographic which is why they bog the poor players down with an unnecessarily arduous game play element they call ‘Combat’. To be honest it would be best if they got rid of this tired concept, which never worked in the first place and simply allowed players to access the best armour and equipment by paying a small fee. Or if they’re feeling in need of a challenge, why not simply have an on-screen counter that counts down from 50 hours then levels up the player’s character when it reaches zero? At least then the player can go and learn how to tango or something.

But if developers are going to insist on including tired, click heavy combat, into their games why not freshen it up with some mini-games? Nothing takes the ‘oh god I wish I was dead’ feeling out of killing 50,000 boars for XP than a nice game of solitaire! Or maybe space invaders? Or maybe the player could be forced into a game of trivial pursuit with a deranged mass murderer who decapitates one of their loved ones each time they get an answer wrong. Anything would be better than this grind shit.

Bonus: Metal Gear Solid 4 Death theme Hero

Instead of sitting through a 30 minute death scene for each character the player has to play an awesome solo on their Metal Gear Solid 4 violin peripheral.

01
Aug
08

4 Reasons why I thought Metal Gear Solid 4’s story sucked

So the few rockstars among us with enough disposable income to splurge on Sony’s big bad black box have finally had the opportunity to have one last series ending romp as old fan favourite Solid Snake. The game delivers, by most accounts, a fantastic ending to a great series and has sold very well despite the PS3’s lagging market penetration. There’s few complaints on the gameplay front, aside from the fact there just ‘isn’t enough of it’ and the story seems to be getting just short of universal acclaim so surely I’d be hard pressed to find fault in this wonderful example of human endeavor? Wrong. How long have you been on the internet?
Now before you load up your email client and flex your fingers in anticipation of a ten thousand word email that explains both exactly why I happen to be wrong about Metal Gear Solid 4 and that I also happen to fuck pigs, hear me out. MGS4 is good yes, and the story is better than most games that centre on grizzled soldiers murdering people but it’s not ‘that’ good. And I intend to tell you why.

1: Oh woe is Snake!

One of the reasons the fans have stuck with MGS so long, even when it seems the developers hate us, is that Snake just happens to be a profoundly likable character. He’s tough yes, grizzled in a medium rare kind of way but he’s also rather well educated and erudite for a man who’s essentially a state sponsored serial murderer. He’s also sporting a quirky sense of humour so it’s not unusual to hear him throwing out the odd one liner inbetween sessions of intense philosophical debates and stealthy neck breaking.
Now from the very first screenshot of MGS4 it was rather obvious that Konami were going for a rather tragic slant. One look at Snake who now looks more like a high school math teacher than the enstubbled hero of old and it was clear that things were perhaps not going to end entirely well for our razor shy protagonist.
What we didn’t expect however was for Konami to express a kind of pathalogical hatred of Snake ensuring the entire game centre around him being miserable.


This picture essentially sums up the whole game.

Now having Snake contract vague clone disease-itis was a good idea. It adds a layer of pathos to the game. Snakes deteriating health means that even if he wins, he still loses. But Konami begin pushing the whole melodramatic misery thing very hard very quickly. Just as we’re warming up to the fact Snake is going the way of your great grandmother it’s also revealed that even if old age doesn’t get him he’s going to have pop himself anyway thanks to a dubious bit of pseudo science involving nanomachine death viruses. Then he accidentally kills his mum. The game reaches a retarded fever pitch of melodramatic misery however during the scene where Snake finds himself being mother fucking microwaved while his girlfriend is stolen by a character known most for shitting himself.
One of these tradgedies or perhaps a combination of two would have had quite an effect but the part where Snake is turned into an elderly hot pocket just made me feel like I was being manipulated. Like they were poking Snake with pins just to make me cry. Worse is, the story never really explains why Snake has crawl his way through the tunnel of burning pain. I mean snakes survives the whole ordeal and even goes on to go 12 rocky style rounds with brother on top of a nuclear submarine and win so why exactly couldn’t we have sent Raiden through there? In fact that would make perfect sense, I mean not only does Raiden not feel pain so he wouldn’t have to crawl the last 100 meters at a glacial pace while he bursts into flames but you’d also get to watch the blonde little bastard cook like poptart which would make the whole thing worthwhile.

2: Sad death scenes for everyone

One of the best scenes in Metal Gear Solid was the death of Sniper Wolf. It was interesting counter point to the rest of the game and it’s the first I recall in gaming where I’ve been presented with the idea that killing another human being is actually a bad thing. The scene worked because it was such a suprise, a few hours earlier you saw Sniper Wolf go all Full Metal Jacket on Meryl and you’re thinking she’s a complete bitch but when you do finally put a stinger on her rectum she responds with a well written monologue that explains why she did what she did and it was very moving. It’s good to see Konami has learnt from this but I’m thinking perhaps they missed the point as nearly every character in Metal Gear Solid 4 gets their own drawn out tragic death scene regardless of whether they were particularly tragic or not.
All of the bosses in the game just happen to be hot chicks with super tragic pasts. There’s supposed to be a serious point in there about how war has terrible effects on everyone who encounters it but it’s kind of lost in a clumsy competition to see who can come up with the most ridiculously tragic backstory and the whole thing just comes off as cheap and manipulative.
The worst example of this is of course the fact Vamp gets his own tragic death. Yes. Vamp. The guy mostly known for murdering Otacon’s teenage sister in Metal Gear Solid 2, dies very slowly and we’re expected to feel sorry for him because he’s immortal. It’s madness. Kind of like playing through Wolfenstein 3d only to find once you’ve killed Hitler you have to listen to him tell you about how he ‘only wanted to be loved’
It’s worth noting however that the only character in the game who actually isn’t as much of an asshole as he appeared to be, good old Revolver Ocelot, does not get his own tragic death scene. Perhaps they ran out of violin solos.

3: Meet the new character, same as the old character

The Metal Gear universe is populated by a diverse and intriguing cast of characters but is not apparently populated by a decent pension scheme because those fuckers keep on coming back year after year no matter how god damn old they get.
Meryl was conspicously missing from MGS2 so her return is welcome but bringing back Mei Ling as the captain of a WW2 battleship pushes coincidence to uncomfortable extremes. It’s only slightly short of having a scene where Snake needs to take a bus and finding out the driver just happens to be Vulcan Raven.
Konami’s refusal to introduce new characters reaches epic levels when it’s finally revealed who the mysterious Patriots are and the whole thing stinks to high haven. Big Boss’ turning into a kind of bad guy we can handle. But when did Paramedic turn from a Japanophile who knows more than a healthy ammount about the taste of frogs into a comic book mad scientist? And how exactly does Major Zero turn into the MGS equivalent of the Emperor from star wars?
The worst offender is of course the inevitable return of big boss who’s remarkably well preserved for a man Snake has killed twice.


The worst part is he pops out just when you think “Hey they really showed some restraint” during the credits.

4: Like a Hollywood block buster, in the worst way

When a game is touted as ‘Like a Hollywood blockbuster’ it can mean a few things. If it means high production values and good voice acting. Great. If it means retarded plot elements and cop out endings. Not so great.
In true Hollywood style most of the game takes place genericsville. Sure there’s a reason why the opening mission is set in the ‘middle east’ instead of say ‘Iraq’ and it’s the same reason Call of Duty 4 is set in generic middle eastern country-istan but it’s kind of silly when Snake is told to look for the remains of big boss in ‘Eastern Europe’. Oh there’s only 10 countries in Eastern Europe. I suppose I’ll start with the Ukraine and work my way up.
I can actually mark the exact moment where the game made the jump from over the top to retarded. It was when Snake, the snarky english Babe cum scientist, the black token character and his pet monkey took part in a thrilling car chase involving backflipping robots and mother fucking zombies.


A large portion of the game looks like this.

The game is also fond of trying to use one scientific principle to explain all the weird shit that happens. Nanomachines become less of a radical technology advancement and more of a kind of magical device that can let people do anything, kind of like how the internet was presented in 90’s movies.
The ending takes a pure unadulterated dose of Hollywood cheese too. One of the games most powerful visual metaphors was Snake’s rapidly depleting cigarettes and how they tied into how much time he had left. You just knew when Snake knocked back that last cancer stick it was probably about time for his mouth and that .45 to have a meeting. Then, in one of the clumsiest bits of symbolism ever Snake decides to quit smoking, doesn’t pop himself in the mouth and instead goes off to ‘live as a beast’ with his bestest buddy Otacon.

Personally I would have sucked on the .45.

30
Jul
08

Soul Calibur IV review

Harhahrar

One of the things that always astounds me about video gaming culture is brand loyalty. Nintendo fans have a reputation for being loyal almost to the point of obsession, which judging by the rampant sales of old school Nintendo franchises (although the fact these games are usually awesome helps) is certainly well earned. Is it any surprise then, that Soul Calibur II on the GC outsold both the PS2 and XBOX versions despite them being technically superior? The gamecube version of the game traded entirely on it’s bonus character Link despite the fact players were forced to play the game with the by most accounts ‘dodgy’ gamecube control pad. I for one quite liked the old purple box’s pad but I’m the first to admit it wasn’t designed with fighting games in mind, it worked fine with games like Super Smash Bros Melee sure, but Melee was a game that had every special move mapped to one button. I dread to think what playing SCII on the game cube was like. It’d be like trying to play happy birthday on a keyboard imagined by Salvidor Dali.
So if a Legend of Zelda can sell a fighting game surely something much bigger, with a much more rabid fanbase could sell one even better. This was exactly what the developers at Namco had in mind when they phoned Lucas Arts one day and said “Guys. I have a fucking great idea!”

Actually I’m doing the game a disservice by going into detail about the whole star wars character thing first. Suffice to say, yes, Darth Vader, Yoda and a guy who holds his lightsaber backwards are in the game and yes, they’re on the cover art standing next to Siegfried and Nightmare looking all out of place and fanfiction-esque but the effect they have on the game outside of marketing is really quite minimal. If you like Star Wars they’re a nice bonus, and if you don’t then you’ve probably got to this page by accident. Porn is on the next site over.

So Soul Calibur IV, the latest chapter in Namco’s seminal 3d fighter series is here and I shouldn’t have to tell you that the fighting engine is rock solid. Under those nice shiny next-gen graphics is still the same old game at heart and time has been very kind to it, even if the developers haven’t.

Battles still play out in the same way. Characters can attack horizontally (!), vertically (!) or if they really want to mix shit up they can kick, which always seemed hilariously out of place on characters wielding an axe twice the size of their opponent but sometimes there’s nothing for it but a knee to the balls. The attack and defend system, although subtle, works to a great effect. Blocking an attack gives you the advantage meaning your character will be slightly quicker with their next attack than your opponent which thankfully makes the newbie staple of hammering the buttons like a spastic chimp a surefire way to lose the game. To stop the battles turning into turn based affairs with players taking turns to wail on each other’s defense every character has a very tricks up their sleeve. Is the opponent blocking immediately after attacking? Grab him/her and watch something painful happen to them. Conversely if you find yourself under constant attack, a well timed guard impact will leave your enemy vulnerable to a quick counter attack, a badly timed guard impact on the other hand will leave you wide open to an axe in the face and feeling like a complete pillock. This balanced, well designed system has served the series well over the years and even today there’s very few games that have anything near as balanced. Every method of attack and defense has something that trumps it and its a balance of twitch reflexes and long term strategy that separates the crappy players from the good. This iteration though, is a lot like a muffin. A delicious chocolate chip muffin that you just want to sink your teeth into but unfortunately, someone has given this muffin a less than delicious topping of cold lizard semen and called it innovation.


Preparing to Innovate!

A new addition to the series, or at least kind of new, is the Soul gauge which kind of acts like a mixture between the power bars of latter day street fighter games and the weapon gauge from Soul Blade on the PS1. Using one of the special skills (see below) or blocking heavy attacks will cause the gem (which looks like a mood crystal I might add) next to your life bar to change colour slowly from blue to red, likewise if your opponent guard impacts one of your attacks. When the crystal turns completely red your life bar will begin to flash and should you find yourself defending another attack or being guard impacted then there’ll be a bright flash and your character will stagger around like he/she has just guzzled a bottle of paint thinner leaving them open to all kinds of horrible attacks or, if your opponent is quick enough to mash the all of the face buttons on the pad, kill you instantly with a critical finish regardless of how much health you have.

Now this sounds worse than it is. To be honest the soul gauge system is far more useless than it is annoying. Chances are you’ll very rarely see a match end with a critical finish and you’ll never see a player who’s dominating the match fall victim to one of them providing he hasn’t been cursed by a voodoo priest or something. The system is just superfluous. it’s obviously designed to stop players from just holding down the guard button and turtling but the throw button is already the biggest threat to guarding players. The only thing the critical finish really does is distract a player and add another useless icon to the screen (there’s three now), I threw pleanty of sure-think matches by trying to get that last guard impact I needed for critical finish before I wised up.

The skill system is another new addition that sounds great on paper but doesn’t really work out in game. Each character has a group of attributes that are effected by their equipped gear and these attributes allow them to equip certain skills. It’s a nice idea in theory and allows for a kind of RPG like character customization which coupled with the fact you can level up character styles by playing as them and thus unlock better skills, makes for a very interesting idea. Sadly however the skills available tend to vary between balance breaking random chance bonuses, absolute uselessness or game destroying cheapness.
Invisibility for example, is a skill Taki comes pre equipped with. When you hit the taunt button (or ABK as it’s mapped in game) she’ll quickly become invisible to both you and your opponent. This sounds awesome but what it means is you can’t tell where Taki is, the range of her attacks and nor can you time your combos correctly, coupled with the fact the A.I always knows where you are and player controlled characters autoface your character when they attack anyway kind of makes the move redundant. Plus using the skill uses up part of the soul gauge, increasing the risks of you being killed by a critical finish. It’s hardly a special move if all it does it make you worse off than you were before.

On the other end of the spectrum are abilities like HP burst which gives your character a big old bunch of healing right then and there which comes in handy regardless what type of character you’re playing. Some of the skills are automatic and activate in a certain situation. ‘Throw cancel’ is probably the cheapest of these as it renders 90% of your opponent’s throws completely useless. See how this might break the delicate balanced I was talking about earlier? Oh and there’s a skill that automatically stops you from being knocked out of the ring. Which is bullshit.

The most annoying set of skills however, are the ever present random chance attacks. With ‘auto unblockable B’ equipped every so often your opponent’s vertical attack won’t just bounce of your defense as it should, instead it’ll come smashing through your guard like your sword is made of toothpicks and crush your skull like a watermelon. It’s the fighting game equivalent of the Blue shell, there’s no defense against it and all it does is take the outcome of the game out of the player’s hands and puts it into the cold calculating claws of your 360 which doesn’t give a toss if you’re the better player or not. This is hardly a step forward.

shit dude, i just pressed Y

It’s not all bad though! Another new game mechanic is multiple character battles which we’ve been waiting for with baited breath ever since Dead or Alive 2 did it on the Dreamcast about a hundred years ago. The switching mechanic is solid, but not spectacular. A quick press of a button and your character is replaced with your second, third or even fourth choice with only a brief flash of light to signal the switch. There’s no hopping back and forth from the edges of the screen and no dual throws or specific combos for pairs of characters. The amount of switches you’ll be making is governed by yet another power bar, this time on the bottom of the screen. The bar does refill but at a fairly slow rate so you’ll be using the switch more to heal wounded characters than you will to perform combos with multiple characters like you could in Dead or Alive. Still, it’s a welcome addition which adds a lot more depth to an already deep game.

It’s worth nothing that all of these new mechanics are mapped to the shoulder buttons which hamperes the control somewhat. Most Soul Calibur players end up adding throw commands to the shoulder buttons and use the actual face commands for things like taunt and Soul Charge (X Y and B on the 360 controller). Namco however didn’t see fit to add an actual face button command for switching characters meaning one of your shoulder buttons will need to be set to switch character which is aggrivating when you’re playing without a team and could really do with that extra button real estate.

Single player has never been the point of the series but the original game had a relatively strong single player campaign. Like the games before it SCIV doesn’t quite live up to the original but it’s certainly a step forward from the single player in SCII and III. The usual Arcade mode has been replaced with ‘Story mode’, which, after a particularly badly translated text splash screen, pits you against five stages of three or four enemies each. Generally you’ll be outnumbered and taking on multiple enemies with a single life bar. Thankfully usually only one of your opponents will have a decent skill set, most of the other opponents you face off against will be henchmen thrown together in the character creator. The stages can get incredibly frustrating though and you will especially come to dream stage 4 which usually requires you to take on Siegfried, Nightmare and Zasalamel with one life bar. The story is throw away of course, the same convoluted fluff they felt necessary to bog the last three games down with but thankfully the unskipable quick time events cum cutscenes that made SCIII’s story mode such a chore have been dropped in favor of repetitive but thankfully skippable CGI cutscenes.
Story/Arcade mode was never the main draw of Soul Calibur Single player though and there’s always been an extra mode that proves far more satisfying than the regular trudge to the last boss. Soul Calibur III was probably the weakest example of this when it tried bravely to inject a kind of limited RTS vibe into the storyline. It didn’t work at all and thankfully that particular mechanic has been dropped in favour of the much more streamlined ‘Tower of lost souls’ mode.
In the ‘Tower of Lost Souls’ mode the player is tasked with either ascending the tower floor by floor, usually fighting two or three enemies per floor usually under certain special conditions, until you reach the top, or descending into the dungeons which acts as a kind of survival mode. Some of the enemies you fight in the dungeon are hilarious so it’s well worth the effort, I hadn’t gone 5 floors before I met a woman dressed in a cat fur suit who proceeded to totally ruin my shit with a corndog on a stick. The best part of the tower though is that each floor will grant you a treasure chest, usually containing an item for character cutomization, art work, weapons and other bonuses, if you fufil certain secret conditions. Once you’ve completed a floor the next time you play it a small riddle or hint will appear at the start of the match. Some are very easy to figure out, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what you have to do when ‘Lure them into the abyss’ appears on screen, but some are incredibly cryptic and will take determination and a little luck to unlock.
Unfortunately there is one little flaw with the treasure chest system and it’s one I can’t figure out for the life of me. For a reason known only to the staff at Namco you can’t tackle the floors one at a time to get the treasure chests. They always comes in groups and you’ll quickly go from two or three floors at a time to four or six. Some of the criteria can be incredibly hard to meet, such as finishing a fight with a perfect or using kicks only and there’s nothing worse than having to fight six guys to get to the point where you can try again. What’s worse is if you finally do manage to unlock the chest and then die on one of the subsequent floors in which case you don’t get the item, a design choice that borders on sadism.
That being said you will keep coming crawling back to the tower of lost souls if only because the character customization system is absolutely perfect.

While soul calibur III allowed you to customize characters and create new ones with badly cobbled together move lists that kind of played like cabbage patch babies versions of the main characters Soul Calibur IV gives you a much more versatile character editor. You can, if the mood takes you, create a character that looks exactly like Rock, then give him Talim’s movelist, creating a horrifying man child. Or you can give Siegfried a giant purple afro and a pink shirt. You can (get this) make Ivy’s tit’s even bigger. The possibilities aren’t endless exactly but there’s a lot you can do.
Regular characters can have their equipment switched in and out and you can change their hair colour and eyebrow colour but the real meat of the editor lies in character creation. You can select all the usual variables, skin colour, hair colour, eye colour etc etc but you can also change your character’s bodytype by moving points around a scale, you can’t make a huge fat guy but there is some degree of freedom. The system is streamlined and easy to use but lacks the depth of something like Oblivion. You won’t spend hours trying to find the right width for your character’s eyebrows but you will spend a few hours picking out pants for him.
All of the clothing in the game, including that worn by non custom characters can be bought and applied to your own characters. Like siegfried’s breastplate and Nightmare’s shoulder pads? You can use them both together. You can then switch the colour and shine of each item until you finally have the neon green Disco knight of your dreams.
One small problem this system has though is that your item selection affects your character attributes in a lot of modes. Sure that breastplate may look awesome but it won’t allow you to equip the skill you want. Sometimes you’re going to have to make a choice between the skills you want and the look you want. Sometimes a man just has to wear pantyhose to get that healing skill. You can still use your characters in regular mode though so I would suggest keeping two groups of custom characters, one group that look exactly how you want them for regular play and another with a varied skill set for special play.

Multiplayer is a mixed bag. The same awesome Soul calibur fun is there to be had but it’s hidden under the same slimy film of weird design decisions that single player is.
Obviously a lot of work has gone in the Live service and it’s good, very good for an online fighter. But to be honest fighting games really do not work over the internet. Sure you can sometimes get a semi decent game but there’s always going to be just enough lag to make high level players rip out their hair in frustration. For that reason I avoided Live play in favor of playing with a real person in meatspace. Which is unfortunate because Namco seems to have forgotten about us people who actually have friends.

The versus menu consists of two options. Versus and special versus. Yeah I know, where the fuck is team battle? Why can’t I play tournament mode? Why can’t we fight with more than one character at a time? These modes should be in there from the get go, I don’t want to have to play the single player campaign on hard and meet a bunch of criteria that in some cases border on the impossible to unlock game modes that were available from the start in the earlier games.
Special versus which is just like regular versus but with customizable equipment and skill effects, suffers from the same problems I talked about earlier, namely balance destroying skills.
It doesn’t help that Namco seem to have gone out of their way to make selecting and editing a custom character as difficult as possible.
The only way to customize a character is to go into the character creator (which is a separate menu) and create a character through there. You then have to save said character to your roster and select him in versus. You can’t for example, select Siegfried and select a different sword for him as you could in the earlier games, you have to actually create and save a version of Siegfried with that sword. Since you can’t rename main characters either you’ll have to rely on the pictures and your memory to figure out which custom characters have what attributes. It’s an incredibly roundabout and frustrating way of doing something that should be incredibly simple.
The frustration is then doubled by the fact someone on a different profile can’t select their own custom characters. If you go round a friend’s house with your memory card, chock a block with versions of Astaroth in a tutu you can’t actually load any of those characters in Versus mode. Only one person can be logged in at a time meaning you’re completely at the mercy of the host and his custom characters because you won’t have the faintest idea whether or not the version of Maxi you selected is wearing totally bad ass underpants of strength plus 10 or the women’s tights of fail which halves his health (I’m not making this up)
Regular versus, though, is the shiz.

The new additions to the character roster are generally not worth the effort with a few exceptions. Hilde in particular is the standout addition. Her attacks are a kind of half way point between Killik and Seung Mina’s long range verticals and sophitia style short horizontals. She controls well and makes a satisfying counterpoint to the rest of the female cast because not only are her tits not hanging out she is actually one of the most heavily armored characters in the game.


Note to developers. Chicks are just as hot in clothes as they are out of them

Sadly the rest of the character additions are almost uniformly mediocre.
Yoda, the token character for the 360 version is an annoying mix of shittiness and cheapness. He’s so slow on the ground any character with a big swooping low attack is going to wipe the floor with him before he even gets close but should he manage to close the distance without getting his little green ass nailed to the floor, his annoying habit of staying so low you can’t hit him coupled with the fact he can’t be thrown makes him an incredibly aggravating opponent.. He plays a lot like Gon in Tekken 3. An interesting diversion but ultimately lacking in long term appeal.
Long time background character Amy is reborn as a kind of teenage renaissance goth who plays like palette swap of Raphael who himself is very close to Xianghua in terms of his movelist. She really begs the question ‘Why?’ we tolerated Raphael even though he was essentially Xianghua in a waistcoat because the series was conspicuously missing a fencer character. Do we really need another almost identical character, particularly one with victory quotes such as “Sigh” and “Words of a loser mean nothing?”? I don’t think we do.
The ‘bonus’ characters, all designed by relatively famous manga and anime artists are all dragged kicking and screaming from the big book of anime cliches. It doesn’t help that they’re all simply palette swaps of other characters. Oh and one of them is a fencer character. Putting the total number of fencer characters that control exactly the god damn same at 4. Christ.
The new boss character, touted as ‘the strongest soul calibur boss ever’, looks, acts and plays a lot like a bad anime villain. He floats around the map, firing bubbles at your out of his gun arm and occasionally stabbing you in the face with attacks that cleave your life bar in half. He’d be far more at home, I think in a 2d fighting game where character who summon thrones out of mid air and fire lasers out of their eyes are far more common. In Soul Calibur, he just seems out of place.
Older characters suffer from a slightly sub par art direction as well. The design team obviously took more interest in certain characters (read: female) over others. While the female characters are all sporting well designed if bordering on hookeresque skimpy costumes many of the old series staples have either no updates at all or are sporting the latest line in half assed design. Astaroth in particular looks like a gundam and he’s wielding an axe that looks like a mound of horseshit held together with strawberry jam. Even Voldo, once the series’ most varied and unique character is saddled with rehashed costumes from the last two games. It’s really just not good enough.


Not shown: Astaroth firing laser beams from his chest and turning into an aeroplane

Now it may sound like I’m giving this game a bad review. I’m not. I’ve gone into more detail about the bad parts of the game than the good sure, but I don’t really need to go into the good. If you’ve ever played a soul calibur game or if you’ve ever read a review of one then you know what’s good about this game. Tight controls, varied characters and deep combat, it’s all there but it’s unfortunate that the majority of the new content simply doesn’t mesh with the game or suffers from big design flaws. The robust character creator and updated graphics generally aren’t worth the price of admission for someone who isn’t a raving fan of the series. If you’re still playing Soul Calibur III multiplayer with your mates or if you’re not because you can’t stand all the jaggies on your HDTV I heartily recommend the upgrade, if only for the updated graphics and (if you can stand it) live play. If on the other hand you’ve burnt out on the series or you’re looking for something new in the single player department, I’d advise saving your cash.

Pros:

*Fantastic Graphics
*Core gameplay is still great
*Character customization is limitless and fun
*Local multiplayer although crippled, is still great

Cons

*Some bizarre design choices
*Very few actually new characters
*Still a lacking single player experience
*Character design is lopsided and generally not on par with the previous games.

28
Jul
08

Sonic the long range weapon.

Although not strictly game related I felt I really had to share this.

Dude nails 15 year old kid with hedgehog

Police said William Singalargh, 27, had hurled the hedgehog about 5m (16ft) at a 15-year-old boy.

“It hit the victim in the leg, causing a large, red welt and several puncture marks,” said Senior Sgt Bruce Jenkins, in the North Island town of Whakatane.

I mean what kind of situation could possibly warrant a projectile hedgehog? What could that kid have said? I don’t know what’s worse, the fact this guy was pissed off enough to pick up a dead hedgehog or the possibility that the hedgehog was alive and he was too hulked out to care.

26
Jul
08

three video game outrages that never happened

Do you remember a time when it was just the non gaming public that got itself whipped up into a whirlwind of outrage every time a new game came out? When a hack newspaper called Grand Theft Auto a ‘columbine murder simulator’ or whatever phrase was being bandied around at the time it was easy to ignore them because they don’t have a clue what they’re talking about right? That’s still the case. We can laugh at crazy right wing bloggers claiming Mass Effect is some kind of alien butt rape adventure because, hey, if fark has taught us anything (aside from the fact that putting your name on everything is incredibly irritating. Something graffiti taught us long ago) it’s that the hysterical mass media is here for our own personal enjoyment. But now it seems the garden variety gamer, once happy with simply a new Mario game every few years and enough cheetos and mountain dew to keep him/her alive has now decided that ‘they ain’t gonna stand for it anymore’, ‘it’ in this case being any and every issue they can get their grubby little minds round.
All of a sudden Resident Evil 5 is racist because it’s set in Africa, Ubisoft is the new face of misogyny for marketing games about babies and horses to little girls (common mistake, little girls hate babies and horses), and, of course, Fat Princess has portly feminists up in arms because it has the gall to feature a character that is both a girl, and fat. The humanity.
Now don’t get me wrong. There’s plenty of things wrong the gaming industry today, especially on the gender front(literally ‘front’) . I mean at the current rate soul Calibur’s Ivy won’t actually be wearing any clothes by the 5th game and sure, just about every game marketed towards girls happens to be complete crap but I can’t help think that perhaps we’re… you know… taking this all a bit too seriously.

So before we all march down the avenue of no return and end up with T shirts that say shit like “The princess owns this castle Sister!” or we all join the goombah suffrage movement let me give you a few examples of issues that weren’t accompanied by an explosion of internet rage.

1:So you want to talk about unrealistic body types…

Ok. So porn gives young men a very distorted version of an ideal woman about as far from an actual woman as it’s possible to get without the use of electrodes and rubber skin. I agree. I watch a whole shitload of porn but I think I I understand that perhaps what I’m seeing isn’t exactly ‘reality’ per se (although I challenge you to find anything more horribly ‘real’ than 2 girls 1 cup) but plenty of guys seem to think it is and honestly expect the hot chick they met at the office dance to be perfectly happy about being anally ravaged by four guys then thrown out of a moving bus. I also agree that the images in pop magazines give young girls very bad examples to follow.
But it works both ways.
Unfortunately we club swinging males either don’t care or we’re too stupid to notice.
Now I’ll be honest, I’m closer to this than I am to the ruggedly handsome stars of my favourite action games but I’m god damn lightyears away from the guys in the ever popular Gears of War

Jesus. Just look at them.

Even if I was a perfectly healthy, slim young man rather than a gelatinous swamp creature there’s still no chance in hell of me looking even remotely like a character from Gears of War. Yeah, teenage girls going for waist measurements that sound more like wrist measurements is terrible but Jesus, Marcus Fenix’s forearms are thicker than his god damn head. Hell even if I loaded myself up on the juice WWF style and lifted a couple of Volkswagens a day I’d be nowhere close. I could have testicles the size of ball bearings and acne so bad It looked like I had the black death and I’d still look like Christian Bale in the Machinist standing next to one of these guys.
Unrealistic body shape? They don’t even have shapes. They’re just quivering masses of muscle. Living billboards for steroid abuse that whisper sweet nothings into young men’s ears in the universal language of testosterone. We can’t even to begin to imagine the effect this has on a developing teen’s mind because we’re too lazy to do any tests because we’re too busy chainsawing equally muscled monsters in half. Damn.

2: Feminists do the smart thing and ignore japan.

If you just happen to believe in gender equality then congratulations Luke, you’ve just found your Deathstar. It’s a small island in the pacific, home to about 127,433,494 people, at least half of which is gainfully employed making games about Octopi (not to be confused with the wild Doctorpus PHD) having forceful sex with pre pubescent girls. And often pooping on them.
I don't know if this is just bad translation or it's actually what Japanese people say to each other all the time.
Japan has reached that perfect critical mass of horrifying weirdness where they’re so bizzare people aren’t actually surprised by this stuff any more. So when we’re confronted with a game that offers us two options, RAPE/DO NOT RAPE (jokes on you though, if you select DO NOT RAPE you get a short cutscene and are brought back to the same menu) we just kind of shrug and think “Those crazy Japanese people. What will they think of next?” World domination probably.
Now I could go on about the adventure game market forever, because there’s just a billion and one little horrors in this particular toybox. From games that are all about peeing on people to games where you get turned into a girl by a random chemical spill in your highschool lab and subsequently end up raped horribly by like a hundred guys on a bus. But in the end what’s the point? This is a purely Japanese thing right?

Wrong. Plenty of companies are hard at work translating and exporting fine titles like this to the west where they’re finding larger and larger audiences (not to mention the already large audience that already download the games illegally and use fan made translations) and judging by the west’s newly found obsession with all things Japanese it won’t be long before young Jimmy down the street trades in his copy of GTA 4, in which you can beat a prostitute to death in order to get your money back, for Lovely selection 3, where you have to rape a girl until she submits to your will and convinces herself that she loves you.

Great…

3: Heterosexuals and old dudes not offended by JRPG stereotyping

Go play a couple of JRPGs. See you in a few months.


Ok you’re back. Now you might have noticed a few details about all the protagonists and antagonists in the games you’ve just played. Long wispy hair, slim borderline anorexic physiques, feminine features, a lack of body or facial hair and a snazzy brightly colored wardrobe that matches anything you’ve seen on Queer eye for the Straight guy. Yes sir. They’re all metrosexuals. Not a plaid shirt or a hairy back in sight. In the land of JRPGS the classic heterosexual hero has gone extinct.

Seriously. In a JRPG this guy would be so badass he'd be able to cut the moon in hallf.

Seriously. In a JRPG this guy would be so badass he'd be able to cut the moon in hallf.

Seriously, do a quick check here. Do you have a six o’clock shadow? Short hair? Deep Voice? If so run like a mother fucker because you’re probably about to get killed by the bishonen villian so he can show the protagonist how powerful he is. If you happen to be on the other side, chances are the hero will turn up and murder you as you’re busy raping/pillaging/whatever it is us straight people are supposed to do in these games.
Oh and god fucking help you if you happen to be over 20, you’re just as screwed as the straight guys are. The only chance you have of living longer than 20 seconds past your introduction is if you happen to be both old and incredibly hairy. Old guy with beard is proven to have a much longer life than generic masculine henchman. Chances are you could live all of oh.. 20 or 30 minutes until the villian kills you to set the plot moving again.
I don’t know who these JRPGs are aimed at. The smalll homosexual gaming community maybe? Or just girls? Because they sure as shit aren’t aimed at me. (The harry footed Neanderthal demographic that makes up most of the world’s gamer population) I mean am I actually supposed to identify with Tidus from Final Fantasy 10? I identify more with the square brick from tetris than I do with Tidus. Now I know how women feel when they play tomb raider. Or black people when they watch horror movies.

Disclaimer: This article is meant to be taken with a pinch of salt. Just because these issues may seem ridiculous doesn’t mean others in gaming aren’t. Oh and before you start sending me links detailing a 300 page debate about Male stereotypes in games on a political website of your choice remember, these are just issues that I think don’t have much of a hubub about them. Still I’d be glad to see any links where these issues are discussed in a civil manner. Peace.

Extra special Bonus! Rorschach dating sim by Atlus!