Videogames, unlike real life games like Jenga and sexual intercourse, can all be broken down into a series of simple games no matter how complex the end result may be. Every game is made up of dozens if not thousands of these sub games that add up, in some cases, to a great whole.
What game design actually looks like.
As an example I offer up the humble First person shooter. The purpose of the shooter is, of course, to shoot things such as Nazi’s, aliens and Arabs but there are times when, unfortunately, the player will find themselves without anything to shoot. It’s during these times that some of the smaller games that make up said shooter come to the fore. So while waiting for the ’shooter’ part to kick in again players will find themselves enjoying old school classics such as ‘virtual medpack scavenger’ (now abandonware unfortunately), ‘red key finding simulator’ or the ever popular ‘Mother fucking jumping puzzle Adventure’. Now while not all of these sub-games are that good and some do in fact take away from the end experience some sub-games add a much needed respite from the main game mechanics. The best example of sub-game design can be found in Epic’s Gears of War. No… wait… sure Gears of War had it’s faults, a monochromatic colour scheme and terrible characters being the most prominent but even someone as jaded as I has to admit that Epic did a great job of turning the simple act of reloading into a satisfying experience. No longer was ducking behind a wall to reload your Warhammer rip off machine gun a chore, you could still achieve something pertinent to the game even though you doing something that was essentially the opposite of shooting. That, my friends, is good game design.
Now there are plenty of other games out there that could benefit from better sub game design. Allow me to show you a few of my ideas.
1: Manual tit jiggling
If there’s one thing we’ve established in the last twenty years, it’s that gamers, a largely male demographic, really like tits. We like looking at tits, we like talking about tits and if the ESRB weren’t such tight asses we’d probably already be playing games that are entirely about tits. In fact I think we might already have those. But one of the issues with current game design is that while bust size is increasing exponentially, so is cutscene length. Now sitting still and watching an animated cutscene is fine the first time through, it grows stale quickly on the second or third viewing. Since most developers seem to think that unskippable cutscenes are the future, the garden variety player often finds himself wandering off to make a sandwich and returning just in time to see his character get raped to death by orcs so the whole cutscene begins again. It’s a vicious cycle. Developers have tried to counter player boredom in a variety ways, although none of them have thought of making the dialogue more succinct. Instead they’ve opted for quick time events in an attempt to force the players to pay attention for fear of having their character crushed to death by a boulder while they were out taking a dump. So why don’t we just take this concept a little further?
Every time a female character turns, shifts her weight or breathes in, the player using the left and right analogue sticks or waggle on the wii mote, must ensure her breasts bounce and sway with just enough force to be entirely ridiculous. Players are awarded bonus points and weapons for pulling off ‘tit-tricks’ such as the ‘to and fro’, the ‘Mexican wave’ and ‘around the world’ . A player too inept to make her tits bounce correctly will have their character killed by a boulder, any player that doesn’t bounce them at all will have his character killed and his game save erased.
2: Teabagging simulator
Teabagging is more than just crouching over a dead combatant’s face like an armoured German porn star. For some it is a way of life. A ritual that gives meaning to an otherwise vapid and pointless existence. Players must be sharp and quick on their feet for teabagging opportunities are hard to come by. Not only must they defeat their opponent in battle but they must do in such a way that their corpse lands face up and in a secluded area so they won’t be easy pickings for bigger more skilled teabaggers as they approach their prone victim. Once they reach their target however Teabaggers quickly find that the actual act of teabagging isn’t well implemented in games. How is it done? By hammering the crouch button. BORING! How could we liven that up?
With a mini-game!
When you’ve reached the optimal position for nutsack to eyeball contact the game’s ‘teabagging engine’ will load allowing the player much more control over his lower body. Players, using the left and right analogue sticks or by waggling the wii mote, must ensure their avatar remains balanced while lowering their junk in a smooth, rhythmic fashion. No one likes a clumsy teabagger!
New players should be warned however that some unscrupulous people have resorted to using automatic teabagging programs. These programs, called ‘Bagbots’ by seasoned players, give the hacking player a great advantage when it comes to mid battle teabagging. If you suspect someone is using a bagbot please report them to the server admin immediately.
3: Grind solitaire
Massively multi-player Online Role playing games are not named ‘Massively multi-player clicking simulators’ and I for one think the games should reflect this. People play MMORPG’s to give their lives, which are unfufilling and boring, purpose and to achieve something, like slaying a dragon or talking to other people, which is very hard to do in real life. Unfortunately big MMORGP developers like Blizzard seem to have misunderstood their target demographic which is why they bog the poor players down with an unnecessarily arduous game play element they call ‘Combat’. To be honest it would be best if they got rid of this tired concept, which never worked in the first place and simply allowed players to access the best armour and equipment by paying a small fee. Or if they’re feeling in need of a challenge, why not simply have an on-screen counter that counts down from 50 hours then levels up the player’s character when it reaches zero? At least then the player can go and learn how to tango or something.
But if developers are going to insist on including tired, click heavy combat, into their games why not freshen it up with some mini-games? Nothing takes the ‘oh god I wish I was dead’ feeling out of killing 50,000 boars for XP than a nice game of solitaire! Or maybe space invaders? Or maybe the player could be forced into a game of trivial pursuit with a deranged mass murderer who decapitates one of their loved ones each time they get an answer wrong. Anything would be better than this grind shit.
Bonus: Metal Gear Solid 4 Death theme Hero
Instead of sitting through a 30 minute death scene for each character the player has to play an awesome solo on their Metal Gear Solid 4 violin peripheral.
